OTTAWA – After being designated as a terrorist group by the Canadian government, the Proud Boys have dissolved to rebrand themselves as the “Hoity-toity Boys.”
“We are big strong men who don’t back down ever,” explained Enrique Tarrio, head fancy boy of the newly named Hoity-Toity Boys. “We only changed our name because we realized that the word “Proud” didn’t really encapsulate how serious and important we are in the world, not because we got scared. We also love having a spot of tea before whacking the polo ball around and felt the new name encapsulates that.”
The new uniforms will replace Fred Perry polos with an ascot, monocle, and whatever Johnny Depp wore to court this week. As well, meetings will now take place in “only the fanciest of 7/11 parking lots.”
The group decided on the new name during a recent meeting where after spending 5 hours convincing themselves they were not a hate group just because they hated people, and another 2 hours punching each other over unresolved childhood trauma, they finally spent 20 minutes doing a google search for synonyms of the word “proud.”
“It was the most productive meeting we’ve ever had,” said Gavin Mcinnes, co-founder of the The Proud Boys who said he’d never attend another meeting but keeps ‘accidentally walking into them.’ “Some other big contenders were “The Fancy Lads”, “The Delighted Chaps” and “Rich Racists.” But in the end we agreed ‘Hoity-toity Boys’ was the most professional.”
The Canadian government is excited for the name change, as they said it’ll be fun to get together and designate that name as a terrorist group as well. “We had such a great time all getting together to agree The Proud Boys are terrorists,” said Bill Blair, Canada’s minister of public safety. “It will be pretty easy to do that all again for whatever stupid name they come up with next. And putting the phrase “Hoity-Toity” into the books will be a great story to tell!”
Now that the “Proud Boys” name is no longer in use, the KKK has confirmed they will be using the moniker from now on as it was an “almost effortless pivot.”
