Doug Ford to reopen high schools after pressure from vodka cooler lobby
Caledon, ON – Doug Ford announced that secondary schools in Toronto, Peel Region, and York Region will resume in-person instruction February 16th, a move many believe was spurred by mountin…
Ford: Thousands more COVID Cases worth it for chance to partially re-open economy for a couple months before shutting down again
TORONTO – One day after announcing plans to partially re-open the province despite the fact new cases remain over 1000 a day, Premier Doug Ford says the risk is worth it for the chance to h…
Report: Guinness Book of World Records going to be extra bleak this year
LONDON, UK – An early preview of the 2021 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records suggests that the reference book will be much more grim than previous volumes, owing to the nature of…
Tim Hortons egg sandwich now official sponsor of Premier Ford’s pandemic press conferences
TORONTO – Tim Hortons and the Ontario government have signed a sponsorship deal to promote the chain’s egg sandwich and other items at provincial press conference related to the pandemic. P…
Family in silent pact to ignore dog’s obvious erection
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Reports indicate that the Miller family’s board game night has been interrupted by their English bulldog Snoodles, who has a glaringly obvious erection no one wants to acknowledg…
“You can only trust your family!” says mother who doesn’t trust her children
PENTICTON, BC – Local mother Zeinab Mohajer has left her children dumbfounded by telling them they can only trust family after years of repeatedly showing her distrust for them. Reports ind…
Refs throw penalty flag at The Weeknd
TAMPA BAY, FL – Mistaking The Weeknd’s performance for a Kansas City Chiefs player, Super Bowl referees have penalized the half-time performer. The Canadian singer was mistaken likely…
Local Woman’s Exes All On Same Tree-Planting Trip
KELOWNA, BC – 28-year old Torontonian Poncy Robins thought her tree-planting trip to BC was the perfect escape from the weariness of the second COVID lockdown, only to find upon arrival tha…
Overrated Super Bowl quarterbacks haven’t even won a single Grey Cup
TAMPA BAY, FL – This year’s so-called “Super” Bowl will feature Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes, two quarterbacks who are somehow considered elite talents despite having never once competed for the…
Local transphobe who never attends women’s sports suddenly concerned about women’s sports
LONDON, ON – After US President Biden issued an Executive Order banning gender identity discrimination in sports, local transphobic man James Martin reports becoming worried about women’s s…
