LETHBRIDGE – An ardent anti-abortionist is disappointed that the renowned pro-choice advocate Henry Morgentaler never returned any of his menacing phone messages. “It’s like he pretended I didn’t even...
Economic Action Plan to build houses for senators where they claim to live
OTTAWA – In response to the recent Senate housing allowance scandal, the Harper government announced a new program that will construct residencies for senators pretending to live in the province...
Fun and games continue after unpopular kid loses eye
St. John, NB – After a wayward pitch blinded 10-year old Saul Fieffel in his right eye, the students of Ms. Krougar’s grade 5 homeroom class decided to finish their softball game instead of goin...
Man with sweaty back mourns arrival of summer
GUELPH, ON – The onset of warm weather has left local man Jake Blume completely unable to go out in public without sweating through his clothes. “Great, now I get to spend four months of my life...
Canadian man unsure if he loves Canada more than he hates the Ottawa Senators
VANCOUVER – Having seen his own team eliminated in the first round, Canucks fan Andre Deschampes must decide whether having a Canadian team in the finals is worth the pain and embarrassment of ...
Rob Ford fired by high school, forced to fall back on mayoral gig
TORONTO – After being let go from his dream job coaching the Don Bosco Eagles, local man Robert Ford has been forced to rely on his secondary source of income as mayor of the City of Toronto. “W...
Community to clean up city hall by giving money to crack dealer
TORONTO – In an unprecedented use of the crowdfunding site Indiegogo the city of Toronto has come together to obtain the video evidence necessary to undo the humiliation caused by the democratic...
Ontario narrowly averts sobriety crisis
TORONTO – A last minute deal between the Ontario Public Service Employees Union (OPSEU) and the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) averting a strike that would have prevented Ontarians from ...
Canadian TV execs can’t wait to cancel this year’s original programming
TORONTO – Canadian TV executives are very excited to once again greenlight, produce, and cancel this year’s original programming, inside sources report. “Crushing the dreams of Canadian artists ...
Chief Blair: Agent Ford successfully infiltrates drug ring
TORONTO – Calling to an end an elaborate three-year undercover operation, Toronto police chief Bill Blair announced today that special agent Rob Ford has uncovered a major drug ring in the city’...
