Man with sweaty back mourns arrival of summer - The Beaverton

Man with sweaty back mourns arrival of summer

, ON – The onset of warm weather has left local man Jake Blume completely unable to go out in public without sweating through his clothes.

“Great, now I get to spend four months of my life with my back looking like a painting by some sort of sweat-Picasso,” said Blume.

“I don’t even like art by the real Picasso, and the real Picasso doesn’t paint on my back with human sweat,” he added.

While others around him have embraced the warm weather as a chance to get outside and enjoy nature, Blume was forced to retreat to his basement apartment, where he will frequently stand with his back directly against the air conditioner, and sadly hum the tune to Banarama’s 1983 classic “Cruel Summer.” 

When he does venture outdoors Blume often wears dark colours to conceal the presence of a sweaty patch, as well as an undershirt to soak up the perspiration before it reaches his outer layer of clothing. Unfortunately, these clothing articles also combine to make him sweat even more. 

“Why don’t they make backless tops for men?” Blume asked.

At press time, Blume was spinning in a circle, desperately trying to reach his spine with a stick of antiperspirant.