LONDON – On the heels of her decisive victory in Thursday’s Wimbledon semifinals, Canadian tennis star Eugenie Bouchard now finds herself only one win away from never having to answer questions a…
Sports
Ottawa Police confirm Claude Giroux has softest hands in the NHL
OTTAWA – Constable Ian Sturgess of the Ottawa Police Department confirmed today that hockey star Claude Giroux does indeed have the softest hands in the NHL, after the Philadelphia Flyers center …
Leafs accidentally sign infielder Michael Diaz during free agent frenzy
TORONTO – Following a flurry of free agent signings, the Toronto Maple Leafs experienced another setback after the team mistakenly signed a deal with infielder Michael Diaz for the next sev…
Ronaldo gets to see photo of family after 50th goal for Portugal
BRAZIL – After scoring his 50th goal for Portugal’s national football team in last Thursday’s game against Ghana, officials from the Portuguese government have allowed captain C…
Sodom, Gomorrah named hosts of 2026 FIFA World Cup
ZURICH – Despite being capitals of grievous sin destroyed in an act of divine retribution, the Biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah have been named by the FIFA Executive Committee as hosts…
Giorgio Chiellini cursed to transform into Luis Suarez every full moon
BRAZIL – Following an illegal bite during the Italy-Uruguay match, Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini is now fated to become Luis Suarez at every full moon, forever. “Our hearts go out to G…
Redskins owner files urgent trademark application for Washington ‘Holocaust Deniers’
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After the federal patent office revoked the Washington Redskins team trademark due to the word being a racial slur, owner Daniel Snyder has filed a new trademark applicat…
Soccer fans warming up car horns for World Cup
TORONTO – Football (or soccer) fans in the nation’s largest city are busy preparing their car horns ahead of the World Cup this year in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, so they can honk them ceasele…
How can Team Canada get into the next World Cup?
Canada has not made the World Cup since 1986. How can Team Canada make the next one? 1. Call it football – not soccer – like everybody else 2. Out-bribe the highest FIFA bidder 3. Wai…
Lucky fan catches Edwin Encarnacion’s bat with face
TORONTO – Rewarded at last for a lifetime of support, local Jays fan Steven Quinn has been lucky enough to catch one of the many bats thrown by Edwin Encarnacion, using only his nose and te…
