NEW YORK – In a press conference today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell responded to reports suggesting he had seen the video of suspended running back Ray Rice punching his wife in an elevator months ago by asserting that there is “no way of knowing whether or not I had previously watched this video without seeing any footage of me watching the video.”
“I will admit, all of the evidence points to me having seen this video,” Goodell said. “Yes, multiple media outlets have been able to acquire the video. Sure, several reports claim I had watched the video months ago, before I handed Ray a mere two game suspension. And, okay, the video was actually sent to my office by a law enforcement agent. But, even when all evidence points towards one obvious conclusion, we can never be absolutely, one hundred percent sure until we see video of it happening. This is America in 2014, and I am innocent until people actually watch what I did and experience the visceral feelings of my actions.”
When asked if such footage exists, Goodell responded, “My office is under surveillance at all times. Knowing this, I have sent myself a request for the security footage from the week in which the video supposedly arrived. Unfortunately, I have denied my own request. Without my own cooperation, I have no right to obtain this video from myself. I may never know the truth.”
Goodell went on to announce that he is banning Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon from the NFL for life because the commissioner “smelt a bit of pot last time I drove through Ohio.”
