OTTAWA – Ontario’s Ministry of Health outlined back-to-school Covid-19 policies for teachers, students, and parents on Monday, explaining that moving forward, parents will only be notified …
Pandemic
Erin O’Toole urges Canadians to accommodate the unvaccinated so they don’t feel excluded from the society they’re trying to destroy
OTTAWA – As yet another wave of COVID overwhelms hospitals and Canada’s ICUs fill with unvaccinated patients, Conservative leader Erin O’Toole is adamant that the large majority of Ca…
REBEL Night Club adds new COVID-19 safety measures, including ban on men yelling in girls’ ears trying to explain cryptocurrency
TORONTO – A popular night club has added a number of new COVID-19 safety measures to ensure patrons feel safe on their nights out, including a ban on men yelling while explaining their likely fla…
Local man who hasn’t started Christmas shopping betting it all on Omicron lockdown
GUELPH, ON – While reportedly aware that he has only 7 shopping days until Christmas, local man Thomas Yeates is reportedly confident that a full province-wide Omicron lockdown will rescue …
Kenney encourages Albertans to superspread holiday cheer by allowing unvaccinated gatherings
EDMONTON – As Alberta heads into what will assuredly be the 5th wave of the Pandemic, Premier Jason Kenney announced Wednesday that he would be relaxing indoor gathering restrictions ahead …
Canada announces travel restrictions for vaccines heading to other countries
OTTAWA – In response to the new omicron variant of Covid-19 the Canadian government has announced new travel restrictions, aimed at preventing any vaccines from leaving Canada for other cou…
Serial Killer hoping to continue working remotely at least part time
HILLSIDE FALLS – Local serial killer, Stanley “The Hillside Reaper” Chisolm, has reported experiencing mixed emotions regarding the reopening of workplaces, hoping to maintain work-from-home for …
Canadian mothers reject Omicron variant: “We have perfectly good Delta at home!”
CANADA – Canadian mothers are soundly rejecting the new Omicron variant spreading across the globe on the grounds that we already have more than enough Delta variant at home. “The man on t…
Shoppers Drug Mart promises 500 Optimum Points for every case of COVID contracted in-store
TORONTO – With the Ontario Government unveiling a plan to conduct symptomatic COVID-19 tests inside Shoppers Drug Mart stores, the pharmacy giant has announced that every shopper who contra…
BREAKING: World Health Organization announces Black Friday deals on new omicron variant
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The World Health Organization has announced a last minute doorcrasher deal on the latest COVID variant, omicron, just in time for Black Friday shopping. “With the Chri…