HAMILTON – Worshipers flocked to town halls across the country to watch faith healer Justin Trudeau perform the miraculous healing of his damaged reputation. “Ladies and gentlemen, I was in…
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Government urges people to stay out of the woods during yeti mating season
BANFF NATIONAL PARK – Provincial wildlife experts are warning hikers, skiers and snowmobilers that we’ve entered the most active period of the Yeti mating season and forestested areas are n…
Loblaws accused of price-fixing scheme on apology gift cards from last price-fixing scheme
Brampton, ON — Grocery chain Loblaws, which recently offered $25 gift cards to apologize for a nationwide 14-year-long price fixing scheme on bread, has been accused of subjecting the gift …
CTV orders Beaverton New Year’s Eve special so funny, it will almost make 2017 worth it
TORONTO – In a move designed to lessen the terrible horror humanity has endured in 2017, CTV has commissioned a ‘year in review’ special from the Beaverton to air New Year’s Eve at 10pm. “O…
“$60 for 10GB” phone plans give Canadians euphoric glimpse of cell pricing everywhere else on Earth
CANADA — A limited time offer of 10GB of data for $60 per month by Canada’s main wireless providers have left Canadians reeling in ecstasy as they encounter cell plans that would be pretty …
Autocorrect nightmare: Typo in Bill C-45 legalizes cannibalism instead of cannabis
OTTAWA – Canada is one step closer to the accidental legalization of cannibalism after the House of Commons passed a typo-ridden Bill C-45, formerly known as The Cannabis Act. “I think no o…
Unknown generation sought for questioning after brutal murder of local industry
THE CITY – Following the shocking murder of an aging industry, police are seeking an unknown generation for questioning about the crime. “At this point, the generation we’re looking for not…
In historic apology Trudeau promises LGBTQ soldiers that, from now on, they’ll only be mistreated for being veterans
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Government gives Yazidi refugees monthly stipend with enough to live on in 1993
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
Inspiring! This rat king slogged through 500 meters of plumbing to crawl out of your toilet and eat your decorative soaps
We’ve all had days when everything seems to go against you: traffic, bills, your crazy coworkers. And the screeching knot of conjoined rats scrabbling around your bathtub sure knows that feel. Bu…
