QUEBEC – In response to Alberta’s Buffalo Declaration, Quebec politicians are refusing to allow a bunch of measly Albertan yokels muscle in on their tactic of threatening to separate from t…
National
“Blockades will accomplish nothing,” says man who accomplishes nothing
TORONTO – After an exhausting 2 minutes of researching on Twitter, local space occupier Kyle Turner has claimed that the Wet’suwet’en solidarity blockades will accomplish nothing. “I don’t …
Aides restrain Trudeau to prevent him resolving Wet’suwet’en blockade with “perfect costume”
OTTAWA — As Wet’suwet’en railway blockades across Canada continue with no end in sight, PMO aides have reportedly been forced to physically restrain Prime Minister Trudeau to stop him from …
Frustrated CN execs complain blockades have delayed dozens of oil tanker derailments
SASKATOON – Executives at CN have demanded the federal government take immediate action against protesters so it can resume derailing oil tankers. The train-wreck industry, a vital componen…
Trudeau: We must acknowledge the sacred sovereignty of Canada’s oil and gas companies
OTTAWA – Calling for calm amid protests over the construction of a pipeline through Wet’suwet’en territory, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reminding Canadians of the sacred an…
Indigenous Services Minister generously offers to have a beer with protesters after they get out of jail
OTTAWA – As an olive branch from the Trudeau government to the Indigenous groups showing solidarity with the Wet’suwet’en hereditary chiefs by blocking some of Canada’s busiest railways, In…
GasLink claims many First Nations support the pipeline, just not the one whose land they’re putting the pipeline on
VANCOUVER- The company behind the Coastal GasLink pipeline has reasserted that many First Nations have signed off on the project, just not the nation whose unceded land they are currently buildin…
VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains
VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains BELLVILLE, ON – VIA Rail has expressed relief that now they have a legitim…
Trudeau slides into African Union’s DMs
ADDIS ABABA – A flirtatious Justin Trudeau has slid into the DMs of the African Union’s Instagram account while on a charm offensive throughout the continent. “Heeeeey, you seem familiar, d…
Harry fired from temp job after giving too many inspirational speeches at drive thru window
VICTORIA – The Duke of Sussex’s employment at a local Tim Hortons was terminated today after he repeatedly gave customers long, uplifting speeches about their important role in society. The…
