OTTAWA – Erin O’Toole pushed back against critics who have accused his plan for a carbon tax of being a carbon tax. “Our carbon levy is in no way a tax,” said O’Tool…
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Theodore Tugboat gets stuck in northwest passage
ARCTIC OCEAN – This morning it was discovered that beloved East Coast icon Theodore Tugboat has been caught in a narrow portion of the Northwest Passage, resulting in a bottleneck of ships …
Supreme Court rules carbon tax constitutional after invoking ‘We’re All Gonna Fucking Die’ principle
OTTAWA – The Supreme Court of Canada held that Justin Trudeau’s imposition of the carbon tax was constitutional as a result of the little known ‘if we don’t do something we’re gonna be real…
Conservative delegates vote against recognizing Climate Change, winning elections
OTTAWA – Delegates at the Conservative Party’s policy convention have voted against confirming “climate change is real” and also against winning another election. By a margin of 54 percent …
Erin O’Toole opens Conservative Convention with promise to have fewer ideas
OTTAWA – Facing weak poll numbers and internal questions about his leadership, Erin O’Toole opened the 2021 Conservative Party Convention with a fiery speech resolving to be even less thoughtful …
Trudeau promises better vaccine rollout next pandemic
OTTAWA – In a statement earlier this week, Prime Minister Trudeau announced he is excited to offer the public an organized, efficient, and clearly communicated vaccine rollout first thing n…
CRA improves customer service by hanging up on every third caller
OTTAWA – In a press release issued this past Wednesday, the Canada Revenue Agency has vowed to revolutionize its beloved customer service by hanging up on even more callers. According to CRA spok…
How to continue feeling superior to Americans while watching them get the vaccine months before you
If there is one thing that has sustained Canadians through the tough times of the last year, as well as the tough times of literally every year before that, it’s our ardent belief that we a…
Trudeau clarifies that Saudi Arabia isn’t an ally, just an acquaintance we sell a fuckton of weapons to
OTTAWA – In the wake of US Intelligence concluding that Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman was personally involved in the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, Prime Minister Trudeau clari…
Trudeau pledges to vaccinate at least eight more people by end of September
OTTAWA – Amid outcries from the public and members of the health industry, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has now committed to the mass vaccination of almost 10 whole Canadians by the beginning of…
