TORONTO – A month-long awareness raising campaign reached its goal of spreading awareness this morning. “Thanks to all our amazing sponsors, staff and incredible volunteers, our ‘Hope for T…
Local
Otherwise compassionate man willing to trample baby to get on subway
TORONTO – Despite describing himself as a generally caring and empathic person, local man Derek Li is fully willing to crush a human infant to death with his feet if it means catching his t…
Boring student spends year abroad in Buffalo
BUFFALO, NY – Halfway into his year-abroad, Hamilton native Walter Meadows is reporting satisfaction with the cultural experience he’s received as a transfer student to upstate New York. Ci…
Local leaves lament frail mortality of poet
CALGARY — This September, as children leave their summer games to return to school, and their parents begin to reluctantly don winter sweaters, the leaves outside the window of local poet Thom Mu…
Husband absent mindedly says words that will be thrown in his face for rest of life
MEDICINE HAT, AB – In between scrolling through Netflix and checking texts on his phone local man Garry Wood, 32, has casually uttered the seemingly random sequence of words that his wife, …
11 year-olds in tree house divided over ‘no girls’ policy
VANCOUVER – Controversy has struck the tree fort in Jeffrey Lewis’s backyard following the implementation of a ‘no girls’ rule. “It’s my fort and I say no girls!” said Lewis. “I don’t even …
Politicians quickly change opinion of their now deceased colleague
OTTAWA – In a sign of respect, politicians of all stripes have promptly changed their opinion of their now deceased colleague from negative to positive. “He was a great man,” lied a fellow …
Man adds stick figure family to back windshield compensating for loneliness, sterility
THUNDER BAY – Arthur Brown, 38, has decorated the rear windshield of his 2001 Toyota Matrix with a fictitious family in order to blend into a new neighbourhood, masking the loneliness and s…
Local man sitting by bucket of ice, just waiting to be challenged
ST. JOHN – Jason Travers, 29, has become so taken by the Ice Bucket Challenge to raise awareness and funds for ALS research, that he is currently sitting in his backyard with a large bucket…
Local abyss tired of getting stared at by creepy philosophers
BURLINGTON, ON – An infinitely dark and enigmatic vortex of existential dread has had enough of being watched and accosted by prominent sages and thinkers. “They all give me this deer-in-th…
