HELL – The devil has expressed frustration and confusion at the fact that some of humanity has appeared to like raisins in cookies, what he considers to be one of his most depraved acts of …
Local
Local man repeatedly tries to order pizza on crashing website rather than call human being
FREDERICTON – Local electrical apprentice Mike Brenton is reportedly on his fifth attempt to order pizza on a crashing website, in a desperate attempt to avoid a two-minute phone conversati…
Local mom smells bar of lavender soap for 36 hours straight
HALIFAX — Local mother of three Sandy Berman had local authorities baffled last week when she stopped to smell a bar of lavender soap at a farmers’ market for over 36 consecutive hours. Wit…
Gritty Kingston Police horse transferred to desk duty while Internal Affairs investigates
KINGSTON – The Kingston Police horse known for bending rules and not taking any shit has been transferred to administrative duties while the Department’s Internal Affairs investigates her c…
Local adult “only has 2 weeks” to finish Halloween costume
PRINCE RUPERT – Despite being a 33-year-old adult male with a job and bills to pay, local copywriter Ben Gibson has expressed concern that he will be unable to complete his Edward Scissorha…
Bank staff amused by charmingly bumbling robbery attempt, 14 dead
KINGSTON – Staff at a TD Bank branch in Kingston have described a recent robbery attempt committed by three adorably inept criminals as endearingly entertaining. 14 bystanders were killed in the …
Local man devastated after toasting bread on “Bagel” setting
Saskatoon, SK — Local contractor Gord Sawchuk was struck by misfortune this morning when two thick slices of cinnamon raisin bread were ejected from his toaster with only a single toasted s…
Poohead keeps trying to change nickname
CALGARY – Reports indicate local man Jackson “Poohead” Hanover has been continually trying to change his nickname to anything but Poohead, despite reports stating he is the perfect Poohead.…
19-year-old finally gets into daycare after 19-year wait
London, ON – After waiting for almost two decades on a government waitlist, 19-year-old Chad Mendes is finally getting a subsidized daycare spot. The son of a single mother was placed on a …
Fuck-swing breaks day after warranty expires
BRANDON, MB – Despite assurances from the manufacturer that this would be “the last fuck-swing you’ll ever buy”, the SwayGasm Mk. IV purchased by Dave Lewis, 46, and Martha Lewis, 44, has b…
