FREDERICTON – Local electrical apprentice Mike Brenton is reportedly on his fifth attempt to order pizza on a crashing website, in a desperate attempt to avoid a two-minute phone conversation with an employee at the pizzeria.
“Dammit, it froze again,” said Brenton, 29, as his eyes glanced nervously to his nearby cellphone. While his girlfriend and 2 friends watched helplessly, Brenton envisioned the agonizing awkwardness of having a telephone conversation with a human stranger. Sources report that potential “worst case phone scenarios” included: Brenton misunderstanding the employee’s accent, and appearing racist; Brenton forgetting what he wanted to order, panicking, and just getting potato wedges; or the employee being able to deduce that Brenton is currently stoned.
As Brenton grappled with his Sisyphean online task, each of his friends clearly understood the stakes – their dinner, weighed against the torture of having to list pizza toppings out loud on the phone. “I mostly use my phone for texting these days,” confessed girlfriend Jenna Chambers, 28. She then offered a nod of support to Brenton, on his quest to never have to talk out loud on the phone unless placed in a life-threatening emergency.
Reports indicate that the Saluzzo’s website has crashed upwards of 5 times, usually after several nail-biting minutes had been spent picking out all the dipping sauces and various pops. Sensing that the group’s hunger was beginning to outweigh his own fear, Brenton has begun mentally preparing himself for the excrutiating ordeal of calling Saluzzo’s on the phone, as if he were some kind of Amish caveman.
“Hey man, you do what you gotta do,” offered roommate and best friend Trevor MacIsaac, 29, who witnesses report has not mustered the courage to speak to another human being on the telephone since 2009. When asked if he would call to place the order, MacIsaac mumbled something about his “phone being almost dead”, pocketed the phone, and pretended to watch Big Bang Theory rerun on the television.
UPDATE: After abandoning the website following its sixth time crashing, Brenton has reportedly been confronted with an even more terrifying horror: cooking a meal at home from scratch.