TORONTO – Marsha King, a 30-year-old single woman who has been without real human contact for over five months due to the pandemic, was recently overheard proudly declaring that she had obtained …
Health
Man sure for the sixth time this summer that his hangover is COVID
London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar…
COVID first thing Nova Scotia happy to be only province without
HALIFAX – After decades of being the only province in Canada without several attractions, amenities, and chain stores, the COVID-19 virus has emerged as the first thing Nova Scotians are ac…
Guy who won’t wear mask in store promises to pull out before he coughs
TORONTO – After a small business owner reminded him of the city bylaw mandating people to wear masks in indoor public spaces, local shopper Jason Anguiano insisted that since he doesn’t lik…
Lame coronavirus party infects 0 people
TUSCALOOSA, AL- The latest in an underwhelming series of coronavirus parties at a University of Alabama frat house has reportedly failed to create a single new case of COVID-19. “This party blows…
Gay Man hospitalized for Drag Race Exhaustion
VANCOUVER – A local man has been hospitalized for what medical professionals are calling “a severe case of DRE: Drag Race Exhaustion”. Paramedics were reportedly called in after…
Fuck it. Let’s do the pros and cons of glory holes
The British Columbian Centre for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s re…
Outbreaks at bars, parties tarnish otherwise impeccable reputation of drunk people
KELOWNA, BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars, large parties, and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguis…
Alberta government sets up border checkpoints to screen for fleeing doctors
EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney has announced border checkpoints to screen for any physicians trying to leave the province. Police and provincial officials have set up roadblocks at every b…
New mask exemption card indicates medical condition of being an asshole
TORONTO – A new card circulating throughout Canada claims to exempt people from mandatory face masks due to their medical condition of being a selfish asshole. The new designation indicates…
