VANCOUVER – A local man has been hospitalized for what medical professionals are calling “a severe case of DRE: Drag Race Exhaustion”. Paramedics were reportedly called in after…
Health
Fuck it. Let’s do the pros and cons of glory holes
The British Columbian Centre for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s re…
Outbreaks at bars, parties tarnish otherwise impeccable reputation of drunk people
KELOWNA, BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars, large parties, and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguis…
Alberta government sets up border checkpoints to screen for fleeing doctors
EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney has announced border checkpoints to screen for any physicians trying to leave the province. Police and provincial officials have set up roadblocks at every b…
New mask exemption card indicates medical condition of being an asshole
TORONTO – A new card circulating throughout Canada claims to exempt people from mandatory face masks due to their medical condition of being a selfish asshole. The new designation indicates…
Man wearing face shield upside down like a pope hat seems to think it’s doing something
Kingston, ON – A Queen’s Masters student who’s been spotted on multiple occasions maskless and wearing a face shield upside down like a cute little pope hat seems to think the incorrectly w…
“COVID barely kills anyone,” says man who would probably be pretty annoyed if we killed him
TORONTO – A man protesting lockdown and mask measures has made the point that very few people will actually die of COVID-19 despite the fact that he would probably be at least a little piss…
Doug Ford extends emergency orders until end of his term
QUEEN’S PARK – In an effort to improve his public image, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has extended the emergency orders placed on the province for exactly however long the remainder of h…
Finally a mask for men! This one has a lil dump truck on it
LINDSAY, ON – As many men across the globe have been forced to reckon with the overwhelmingly feminine nature of medical masks, one company, Macho Masks, has capitalized on this concern by …
Health officials recall masks after reports that they are a little uncomfortable and look weird
OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird. “Never in the history of public health have we made s…
