SASKATOON – After years of criticism regarding his controversial approach to mental health, family physician Russell Wendt has lost his medical license for continually suggesting that depressed p…
Health
Hip Gen X-er brags about his rare discontinued vaccine
Hamilton, ON – Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning u…
Online persona successfully hides crippling depression
TORONTO – We are happy to report that your online persona has successfully hidden your crippling depression from your followers across social media. By portraying a heavily curated version …
US to trick vaccine hesitant individuals into taking vaccine by wrapping it in peanut butter
ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter. “We’ve kind of abandoned any …
Punk optometrist asks patient to read bottom line of festival poster
MONTREAL — Local punk and professional optometrist Riley “Pinkeye” Abraham tested a patient’s eyesight this morning by asking her to read the bottom line of a PUNTER FEST poster, sources report. …
Woman who doesn’t get “pronouns” requests you describe her as “vaccine-hesitant”
GEORGIAN BAY, ON – Stacey Amber, a woman who has told you on many occasions without provocation she “doesn’t get gender pronouns” has requested you use “vaccine-hesitant” when addressing he…
Doug Ford relieved to have paid sick days after workplace COVID exposure
ETOBICOKE, ON – After coming into contact with a coworker who tested positive for COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford is reportedly “hugely relieved” to have paid sick days to isolate at home, as p…
Rosedale resident given priority vaccine so they can summer in Muskoka
TORONTO – Local Rosedale resident Ainsley Williams, 33, recently received an urgent vaccination so that she can spend the summer up in Muskoka. “It’s been a tough year,” sighed Williams, fr…
4 ways to justify your late night Denny’s run to the cops
Doug Ford is giving Ontario’s police the power to stop anyone and ask why they’ve left their home in order to crunch down on rising COVID cases. But don’t let that stop you from crunching d…
Moderna vaccine having bad reaction to Stephen Harper
CALGARY – A dose of Moderna’s COVID-19 Vaccine recently injected into the arm of former Prime Minister Stephen Harper says it is expecting serious side-effects. “From the moment…
