QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford firmly rejected the possibility of vaccine passports or forcing immunizations, citing Ontarians’ constitutional right to contract the deadly COVID-19 virus and recklessly spread it among their helpless neighbours.
“We’re not going to have a split society,” Ford said. “We’re just going to have one where most people are responsible and vaccinated, while another smaller group selfishly exposes themselves to increasingly dangerous COVID variants that will mutate into forms that can overwhelm the first group’s vaccinations.”
Ford added, “So by ‘no split society’, I mean to say that soon everyone will be infected with the Delta variant.”
With only 57% of the province’s population having received both vaccines, and deadly variants surging in the less-vaccinated areas of the United States, Conservative insiders say this is the perfect time to fully embrace the honour system and nothing else.
Solicitor General Sylvia Jones insisted Ontario will not enact any sort of proof-of-vaccination system, which could infringe on people’s rights to be huge assholes.
“If Ontarians need to show proof of vaccination to enter a business, which they should never ever be forced to do, we’re encouraging them to show the paper receipts they received. That’s why we made sure they were both incredibly flimsy, and very easy to forge.”
“On top of that,” Jones added, “we’re asking every non-vaccinated Ontarian to pinky swear that they will never lie about their vaccination status, bearing in mind it is their constitutional right to lie to anyone and everyone’s faces.”
Back at the press conference, Ford remained resolute in his determination to protect Ontarians’ right to make each other really, really sick. “I mean, it’s not like there is some provision in the charter that allows the legislature to override people’s rights when it deems fit, which my government invoked mere weeks ago.”
In a related story, Toronto Police announced they will provide escort for an anti-vaccine march this weekend as they personally spit in the mouths of any pedestrians they encounter.