BRAMPTON, ON – Galen Weston, billionaire philanthropist and benevolent overlord of the Loblaws grocery empire, has graciously announced plans to liberate No Name brand products from their unjust …
Food
White Guy insists on finding Chinese restaurant with “authentic” General Tso’s Chicken
TORONTO – Jeff Fisher, a local white guy, has demanded that, for his weekly dinner out with his core group of friends, they try to find a place with truly authentic General Tso’s Chicken on the m…
Local vegan confesses she can also tell food is vegan
COURTENAY, BC – A local vegan has confessed that she, too, can tell her food is vegan. Chelsea Forsythe made the shocking confession after a near decade of vigilant veganism, during which she has…
Decline in purity culture leads to shortage of extra-virgin olive oil
PUGLIA, ITALY ― Olive oil is a household staple, with extra-virgin varieties particularly prized for their minimal processing. But with fewer and fewer people saving themselves for marriage, one …
Witch? This woman built a gingerbread house
RED DEER, AB – Daniella Keller, a 29 year-old librarian, built a gingerbread house over the weekend, prompting many to ask the question: is this woman a witch? “She seemed so normal, why wo…
Nutritionists worried people aren’t getting enough billionaires in their diet
WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. National Institute of Health has issued a statement outlining their concerns that, despite a growing public appetite to devour the rich, people still aren’t consum…
French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts
ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squee…
Crazed pescatarian won’t stop until she tastes the flesh of every known sea creature
SARNIA — Local pescatarian Chelsea Duke has vowed to taste the flesh of every known sea creature, and authorities warn that she should be considered armed and dangerous. “Ms. Duke is believed to …
Tim Hortons somehow more reputable than Hockey Canada
TORONTO – The nation was stunned and confused this week after the actions taken by two pillars of Canadian society resulted in the disorienting feeling that Tim Hortons is now a more reputa…
Deep-fried insulin huge hit at CNE
TORONTO — Each August food merchants at the CNE try to outdo each other with a new wild snack. Previous years have seen runaway hits with things like the spaghetti donut and ketchup-flavore…