MISSISSAUGA, ON – After dreaming he was experiencing the perfect freedom of untethered flight last night, reports have confirmed that customer service representative Jeffrey Kwan is being y…
Business
Blackberry stock rises on report nation’s dads still can’t figure out iPhone
TORONTO – Blackberry stock closed at its highest level in months today after a national report released by McGill University indicated that Canadian fathers are still too stubborn to learn how an…
Kevin O’Leary starts rumour that Kevin O’Leary named in Panama Papers
TORONTO – Following the explosive “Panama Papers” leak, detailing the offshore accounts of high profile billionaires worldwide, Dragon’s Den star Kevin O’Leary has been caught starting a ru…
RBC bests Scotiabank with new ad campaign ‘you’re richer than the government thinks’
TORONTO – RBC has announced a new slogan designed to compete with Scotiabank’s popular ‘you’re richer than you think’ in which the bank assures people that they can be wealthier than they t…
Rogers Wireless reports $10 million profit from people calling CRTC to complain about Rogers Cable
TORONTO – Rogers Wireless, Canada’s largest cellular communications company, achieved an unexpected $10,000,000.00 profit as a result of the amount of time Canadians are spending on their p…
Oil pipelines need stronger oversight, says watchdog someone forgot to pay off
OTTAWA – The National Energy Board is not doing enough to make sure pipeline companies are complying with regulations, says a new report by the federal commissioner of the environment and s…
Citing missed deadlines and delays, ISIS cancels Bombardier order
MOSUL, IRAQ – ISIS has announced plans to cancel its order of 20 Bombardier Innovia APM Light Rail cars amid repeated setbacks and disappointments. “To be quite honest, we are very upset” said Mo…
Mountain Dew sales decline as public becomes less extreme
TOP OF A SICK SNOWBOARDING MOUNTAIN – Mountain Dew head office has acknowledged a sharp decline in sales of it’s fizzy garbage water, coinciding with a rapid decrease in radness amongst the…
Man at Tim Hortons still confident he will roll up exact amount of debt
TORONTO – Local man Greg Finks is still confident that today will be the day he rolls up the rim and sees the $24,673 he owes his bank, despite years of failed attempts and the fact that Ti…
Woman in job interview refers to pregnancy as ‘big lunch’
OAKVILLE—Sources confirm that throughout a job interview earlier today local woman Carol Miller continually referred to her six-month pregnancy as a hearty lunch unlikely to require her to take a…
