ETOBICOKE, ON – While using an exercise bike at his local gym last Tuesday, Ryan Savage, an infrequent gym patron, increased the machine’s speed and resistance after noticing a cute girl wa…
Squash partner invokes dangerous ‘dick-out’ rule
WINNIPEG, MA – A game of squash between two University of Winnepeg professors turned extremely unsafe last Saturday morning after the ‘dick-out’ rule was invoked. Prof. Paul Stewarts, 39, f…
Erratic orbit of Pluto used as pick-up line
YORK, ON – At a downtown house party over the weekend, James Denison, 21, a third-year astronomy major at York University, used an unconventional method to initiate a conversation with a gi…
Botched handshake embarrasses local man
HAMILTON, ON – Local resident Mark Sanford, 24, ruined his chances of making friends with two cool dudes yesterday when an introductory handshake went horribly wrong. Sanford’s friend…
“69” Laughed at
KINGSTON, ON – Yesterday, a student attending a Sociology lecture laughed out loud when the professor said the number “69.” Professor Deborah Marshal, 56, had been discussing material from …
Business man in talks of merger with woman
TORONTO – Private equity firm employee Praj Patel, 31, is in merger talks with airline stewardess Aneesha Sherawat, 27, a woman. If successful, the deal could lead to a 60% increase in coha…
Local company offers nonsense approach to network solutions
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Logan-Mitchner Ltd., a local network solutions firm, has been receiving many complaints from businesses in the GTA since they initiated an unorthodox “nonsense” policy ear…
Maschismo exhibited by eating hot sauce
EAST YORK, ON – Local student Jeff Saunders impressed friends at an East-End Mr. Sub by asking for hot sauce on his sandwich, sources reported yesterday. “He was like, ‘No man, throw some h…
Campus police warn of ‘sicko’ targeting women’s laundry
TORONTO – Residents living at York University campus and the surrounding area have been warned by campus police to keep vigilant after reports that a sick, sick individual is lurking in cam…
