ETOBICOKE, ON – Recently elected Mayor Rob Ford has announced plans to single-handedly slay Toronto’s Dragon of Wasteful Spending, a 44 headed monster weighing over 21.3 billion tonnes which sits perched atop City Hall’s twin towers.
“The dragon has grown considerably in the last 7 years, so the job won’t be a piece of cake,” Mr. Ford told reporters. “This is a solo mission. I’m going to charge at him with everything I’ve got until the bastard’s crying out for his mommy.”
Mr. Ford became motivated to slay the large reptilian while cleaning his City Hall office and sorting through old boxes that had been left behind by previous Mayor David Miller.
“I first came across this dusty book that had a note on it saying ‘do not touch,’ so I opened it up and found a lot of information about the dragon,” Mr. Ford explained.
Mr. Ford said he discovered a wealth of information concerning the dragon, including how best to maintain its healthy appetite for wasteful spending and allocating city funds to fiscally unsound projects. According to Mr. Ford, the book appeared well used, with many underlines of important passages, and notes in the margins.
“The only part of the book that didn’t look like it had been handled was the chapter at the end which explains how to kill the dragon if you ever need to,” Mr. Ford said. “It says if I cut off half of its heads then it will dramatically help the citizens of Toronto.”
Dragon slaying critics wonder if Mr. Ford is equipped to slay the dragon without cooperation from the city’s councillors, many of whom seem to be unconcerned by the dragon’s presence.
“When you take on a dragon several hundred times your own size, it’s generally advised to use some sort of cunning strategy as opposed to charging directly towards it,” said Samantha Temblake, a PhD candidate in medieval war strategy.
Yet Mr. Ford remains optimistic.
The recently elected mayor has been training privately with federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty on Mr. Flaherty’s private estate on the outskirts of Ottawa, where he maintains a stable, along with an arsenal of medieval weaponry and armour, a blacksmith’s forge, a catapult, and a dangerous obstacle’s course complete with a mock dungeon and brackish moat.
“[Ford] is ready for battle. And we can’t wait any longer. That dragon’s been allowed to roam freely for too long as it is,” Mr. Flaherty told reporters following a 20 minute armed combat training session with Mr. Ford.
Mr. Flaherty has explained that he would like to directly assist with the slaying, but a complicated territorial charter prevents him from meddling with dragons outside of his realm.
{rokbox title=|Ford Trains with Flaherty at the Finance Minister’s estate lot in Ottawa :: Photo: The Beaverton, portions licensed by DepositPhotos.com / Denis Topal| thumb=|images/stories/article-photos/armoured_ford_trains_with_flaherty_220px_thumb.jpg| thumbsize=|220 148|}images/stories/article-photos/armoured_ford_trains_with_flaherty460.jpg{/rokbox}
Ford Trains with Flaherty at the Finance Minister’s estate lot in Ottawa.
Mr. Ford will wear 14th century armour, and he will be accompanied by an entourage of 12 able-bodied men hand-picked from his high-school football team.
“The boys from the team are just there for support and to haul my spare shields, but I’ll be the only one going at the dragon,” Mr. Ford told.
The day of the slaying, Mr. Ford plans to make a 2 hour trek from Etobicoke to City Hall by travelling east along the 501 streetcar from Longbranch Loop in Etobicoke, pass city hall, exit the streetcar two stops away, cross the street, and reenter a westbound streetcar toward City Hall.
“It just makes more sense to have us exit and head straight for the dragon, and we wont be able to do that on the eastbound car because it unloads on the south side,” Mr. Ford explained. “Sigh. If we had direct subway line this would be a moot point because we’d be able to choose on which side of the street we’d be exiting.”
Mr. Ford will employ several strategies to slay the Dragon of Wasteful Spending. First he plans to drive his sword through the dragon’s lower appendages so as to reduce its interest in building a hockey arena in the downtown, next he will hack off the beast’s claws so as to render it lame from making backroom deals with shady condo developers.
The book also notes that forcing the dragon to eat a poisonous lamb-human hybrid will cause the dragon’s skin to develop a disease whereby it will grow hideous rectangular shaped concrete and glass masses, a similar malady that has stricken the city’s downtown core.
Cutting off half of the beast’s 44 heads down to 22 will also significantly reduce its ability to think lucidly.
As for the remaining 22 heads, Mr. Ford says it is not his style to finish off the beast if he doesn’t have to. “I’ll show it who’s boss, but I don’t need to kill it outright.”
Once rendered incapable of defending itself, the beast will be tied on top of an articulated streetcar and taken back to Etobicoke where a celebration is planned deep in the suburban forest.
“When it’s all done I’ll probably have a few beers with [the dragon]. I’m sure there won’t be any hard feelings,” Mr. Ford said.
