PHILADELPHIA, PA- Following the murder of Canadian-made robot Hitchbot, Philadelphia police have released the identity of their main suspect; Google automated car GC-8402. “We think there must ha…
Butterflies detained at border for possession of milkweed
LUBBOCK, TX – The annual migration patterns have been interrupted for a group of 50 monarch butterflies, who were detained at the US-Mexico border for suspected possession of controlled sub…
Local politician apologizes for arachnophobic slur
OSHAWA, ON – After a firestorm of controversy erupted around her use of the phrase ‘creepy-crawly’ last week, local MP Pauline Douglas has apologized for her arthropodist remarks. “I did no…
Immigrant doctor successfully delivers 2.5 pound pizza
WOODBRIDGE, ON. – Drawing on expertise as an obstetrician that the Canadian government does not recognize, local pizzeria employee Bishal Thule has successfully delivered a two-and-a-half-p…
Mayor takes ceremonial first leak on new bus stop
OSHAWA, ON – To commemorate the new bus stop being built on Rossland Road, Mayor John Henry unzipped his fly, and took the ceremonial first urination on the back wall of the stop. “I hope t…
Man suffocates to death in Mike Duffy mask
HALIFAX, NS – Tragedy struck a Halloween party in downtown Halifax last night. Joe Wallis, who was dressed up as Mike Duffy was pronounced dead after suffocating in his mask. “We believe th…
Hazel McCallion to retire due to Golden Girls marathon
MISSISSAUGA – Long time Mayor of Mississauga Hazel McCallion has recently announced that, after 30 years of sitting the mayoral seat, she’s ready to hang up her sash. According to Mccallion…
Local ant farm bought out by agribusiness
CAPE BRETON, NS – Tragedy struck Nova Scotia today, as one of the last locally owned agricultural sites in the province, an ant farm owned by 11-year-old Billy Lawson, was bought out by agr…
Lucky fan catches Edwin Encarnacion’s bat with face
TORONTO – Rewarded at last for a lifetime of support, local Jays fan Steven Quinn has been lucky enough to catch one of the many bats thrown by Edwin Encarnacion, using only his nose and te…
Serial buzzkiller continues to elude capture
HAMILTON, ON – The Ontario Provincial Police are still searching for a man wanted in connection with several gruesome buzzkillings in the Hamilton area. Recently identified as Burlington re…
