CAPE BRETON, NS – Tragedy struck Nova Scotia today, as one of the last locally owned agricultural sites in the province, an ant farm owned by 11-year-old Billy Lawson, was bought out by agribusiness giant FarmMax.
“It’s hard to keep an ant farm running in this economy,” Billy said. “I wanted to keep the farm in my family, but it was either take the yo-yo and twenty bucks from FarmMax, or see the bank repossess the ant farm next year anyway.”
FarmMax has already laid off Billy’s father, who was in charge of taking care of the ants while Bully was at summer camp, and who “desperately needed this job”.
“This is a major gain for our company,” said FarmMax’s head of Eastern Acquisitions, Jared Plaks. “Ant prices have been at a constant $0.00 for the last few years, but we think that will start to change once we genetically modify them to become larger and more intelligent.”
In other business news, the privatization of a Brantford teddy bear hospital has jeopardized local teddy bears’ access to abortions.