CALGARY – The NDP’s majority win in the Alberta provincial election has had an unforeseen effect on the province, besides just turning it into a fundamentalist Muslim society governed by Sh…
Ontario PCs down 8% in polls after reminding voters they exist
TORONTO – The Ontario Provincial Conservative Party took an 8% dive in the polls after the recently concluded leadership contest reminded Ontarians it was still around. According to the lat…
Students forced to stay home over Ontario sex ed curriculum pass time sexting
TORONTO – Students held back from school Monday by parents protesting the proposed sex ed curriculum report they managed to make good use of their free time by snapping full frontal nudes and sen…
Harry Potter themed wedding begins with murder of groom’s parents
FREDERICTON – The themed wedding of Jane Danson and Peter Hartford, set in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, was reported to be “beautiful” and “heartwarming” despite the ceremony commen…
Riot photographer asks peaceful protestors to get out of his shot
BALTIMORE – Freelance photographer Erik Meiteen, known for his shots of looters in Ferguson, had a great chance to document the “shocking” and “apocalyptic” levels of violence network news …
Former high school sweet hearts reunite 30 lbs later
Mississauga, ON – Former high school sweethearts, Ashley Richards and Derek Knobely, have reignited their love after he gained 20 pounds and she added several inches to her waistline. “Orig…
Connor McDavid loses draft lottery
TORONTO – On the biggest stage of his young career Connor McDavid, the most hyped hockey prospect in a decade, was unable to will the top draft pick to an actual NHL team, and he will now b…
NHL Playoff Preview 2015: Eastern Conference
As teams gear up for the annual playoff battle and the Leafs gear up for their annual schvitz, its time for The Beaverton‘s experts to break down the match ups, rivalries and action that wi…
Mike Holmes breaks into house to check if it has knob and tube wiring
TORONTO – Famous contractor and television host Mike Holmes has allegedly furthered his hatred of knob and tube wiring by forcing his way into a local residence to check out the electrical …
Foreign friend keeps calling it ice hockey
EDMONTON – Although he reported being generally happy that his English friend Simon had come for a visit, local man Carl Terrace did wish he would stop referring to our national obsession a…
