MONTREAL — Local punk and professional optometrist Riley “Pinkeye” Abraham tested a patient’s eyesight this morning by asking her to read the bottom line of a PUNTER FEST poster, sources report. …
Ontario bans non-essential jacking off
TORONTO – At a press conference this morning Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province would be banning all non-essential jacking off to combat the rise of COVID-19. “List…
Out of work actor lands promising role in medical study
VANCOUVER – Things are finally looking up for local Vancouver actor Timothy Brooks. After thirteen months without booking a gig in theatre, film, or television, the 28-year-old has landed …
Theodore Tugboat gets stuck in northwest passage
ARCTIC OCEAN – This morning it was discovered that beloved East Coast icon Theodore Tugboat has been caught in a narrow portion of the Northwest Passage, resulting in a bottleneck of ships …
Torontonian engages in beloved Toronto pastime of threatening to leave Toronto
TORONTO – Torontonian and lesser media personality Jon Stills sparked a lively online conversation last Thursday after a Twitter thread continued the longstanding and beloved Toronto pastim…
Inflatable tube man wonders if there is more to life than insane car prices
HAMILTON – The inflatable tube man positioned outside Dave’s Used Car Lot is starting to wonder if there is more to life than insane car prices. The air dancer – nicknamed Windy Pete …
Anti-maskers celebrate Daft Punk breakup
CALGARY – Anti-maskers celebrated today after the announcement that Daft Punk, pioneering electronic musicians known for monster hits like “Get Lucky” and their robot helmet aes…
Breaking: Wrong person responds to thirst trap
MONTREAL – In a devastating turn of events, we can report that this evening the wrong person has responded to your thirst trap. The undeniably hot photo you recently posted – lounging…
Rescue dog unable to save failing relationship
Hamilton, ON – Jane Rogers and Eric Salts recently discovered that adopting a six-year-old rescue dog was not enough to put off the ending of their four-year relationship. The couple, who a…
Bell Let’s Talk Dirty campaign deemed wildly insensitive
TORONTO, ON – Bell Media was slammed on Twitter today for their new nationwide campaign Bell Let’s Talk Dirty. According to the telecommunications giant, the campaign is an effort to …