TORONTO – Liberal leadership candidate Marc Garneau revealed his plans for the Nation’s future yesterday, unveiling a platform entitled “I’ve been to space, motherfucker!” Despite ini…
Ikea Monkey admits that he is not a real news story
TORONTO – Darwin, the seven-month old Rhesus monkey apprehended at the North York Ikea yesterday evening has come forward to say that he regrets causing a “literal media circus.” Darwin was…
NYPD successfully cleans mutant turtles out of sewers
NEW YORK – After almost two decades of mutant sightings in the New York sewers and a lengthy siege, spokespersons for the New York Police Department have reported that a nest of mutant turt…
Local man concerned that if he starts kissing horses, then where will it stop?
BIGGAR, SK – After an unexpectedly intimate moment with his prize-winning mare, Danziger, local businessman and horse breeder Wayland Price said that he feels, “uncomfortable.” “Well, Danzi…
Time traveller mocked by future people for vestigial organs
WINDSOR, ON – 72-year-old time traveller Jack Prentice, recently returned from a voyage into the future whose goal was to discover the mystery of human development, called a press conferenc…
University student regrets buying actual moleskin journal
MONTREAL – Jason Durant, 21, originally of Oak Ridges, Ontario, was disappointed when the “moleskine” journal that he ordered online turned out to be a journal made out of an actual mole’s …
Unemployed Knight mourns the collapse of Canada’s questing industry
SIOUX LOOKOUT, ON – Sir Armaunthat de Soulecoute, 34, of Sioux Lookout, Ontario, described the collapse of Canada’s questing industry as a ‘tragedy of the commons’ to a gathering of the pre…
Job creators slam food critic for describing chocolate cake as ‘rich’
NEW YORK – Right-wing commentators have slammed New York Times food critic Shauna Campbell for a recent review in which she described a chocolate cake as ‘rich.’ Presidential Ca…
Japan shuts down last nuclear reactor not part of a giant robot
JAPAN – Japanese Environment Minister, Goshi Hosono, announced today the closure of Japan’s last nuclear plant not powering a giant robot. “Because of the Fukushima disaster, al…
