TORONTO – Liberal leadership candidate Marc Garneau revealed his plans for the Nation’s future yesterday, unveiling a platform entitled “I’ve been to space, motherfucker!”
Despite initial indications that he was going to make his bid for the leadership of the Liberal Party on an economy-focused platform, Mr. Garneau made an about-face at last night’s press conference, when he told journalists that he had “spent more time in hard vacuum than [Stephen] Harper has spent hard inside of a woman.”
“Let’s get to the nitty gritty,” Mr. Garneau said. “I am a man who has been to outer space.” Taking a moment’s pause in which to spread his fingers and widen his eyes, he then added, “Space.”
While other Liberal leadership hopefuls come from diverse backgrounds in fields such as law and economics, Mr. Garneau is the only one that has ever ventured to the final frontier; a fact the former astronaut reiterated several times throughout the press conference.
“I mean, do you really want this party to be led by a teacher?” he said, referencing current front-runner Justin Trudeau’s previous career in education. “How vanilla is that? Do you know what I used to do? I was a payload specialist. Let that sink in for a minute. A payload. Specialist.”
“On a rocket. Ship,” he continued, thumping the podium. “To outer. Space.”
Mr. Garneau’s platform document, a battered old copy of Robert Heinlein’s Have Spacesuit: Will Travel, contained no actual details about his plans. When pressed for specifics, he finally offered a quick run-down of his goals for Canada’s agricultural, resource and environmental sectors.
“You want specifics? Look at the sky, bitch. That red thing there? That’s Mars. It has red soil, perfect for P.E.I. potatoes. Mineral resources? Check the Oort cloud, dummy. And that star over there? That’s Upsilon Omega, a star with seven planets made out of pure water. Now that’s what I call some Great Lakes. Suck my dick, Thunder Bay.”
Speaking of a potential merger with either the Green Party or the NDP, an idea that has been discussed by other candidates such as Joyce Murray, Mr. Garneau flatly denied the possibility.
“Does Neptune merge with Pluto in order to keep on kicking ass?” he asked. “Next fucking question.”
At the end of the press conference, Garneau unveiled his new ‘Shit yes, Canada!’ subway ad, which features an image of Garneau punching one of the Aliens from James Cameron’s Aliens in the neck, while William Shatner’s Captain Kirk and a cyborg version of Anne of Green Gables high-five each other in the background.
