WINDSOR, ON – 72-year-old time traveller Jack Prentice, recently returned from a voyage into the future whose goal was to discover the mystery of human development, called a press conference earlier this afternoon to announce he had been mercilessly taunted and picked on by the future humans he encountered.
“The mystery of human development is solved. We all wind up as jerks,” Prentice told reporters, while choking back tears.
Upon his arrival in the year 2300, Prentice claimed that the chrono-locals responded to Prentice’s requests for cures for cancer and infectious disease by bending down, grasping his baby toes between their elongated fingers and demanding of him “What the fuck are these gross little things, monkey-man?”
Prentice went on to describe the citizens of the 11 thousandth century CE as “hypereveolved bullies” with “eyes that can see gamma rays, liqui-metal skin, brains made of superconductors and oh, yeah, icy cold hearts.”
“I mean, their hearts are technically made of liquid nitrogen,” Prentice clarified. “But you’d think that if you met somebody who had just voyaged across the void of time, you’d take a minute to say ‘hi’, instead of just jumping around shouting ‘frontal lobe, a durr durr durr’ before trying to vivisect them, right? I mean, that’s just common courtesy!”
When asked about the people of the even more extreme future, Prentice sighed.
“Ímagine an enormous thunderhead made out of pure electricity, and that this thunderhead is actually a being powerful enough to create stars and intelligent enough to predict the movements of every particle in the universe from beginning of time to end of space. Imagine an endless multitude of these beings, floating in a transcendent dance through the cosmos, knowing all, understanding all.” Pausing to wipe a tear from his eye, Prentice continued, “Now imagine that every single one of these beings is talking to you, and that each of their voices is more beautiful than the last, and that every single one of them is calling you a ‘non-made-out-of-energy little cocksucker.’ Yeah. Welcome to the world of tomorrow.”
This is not the first time that time travellers have been slighted upon their arrival in worlds of tomorrow. In his 1872 manuscript “Die Zeithinfahrtauflanderjenseitsmorgen”, the German Chrononaut Jens Aufbeglieben recounted how, on his arrival in the year 2008, the denizens of that time were swift to dismiss him as ‘Two thousand and late.’
