MONCTON, NB – Despite having a son and a daughter of their own, local parents Bill and Tammy Hampshire say they prefer using professional child actors for their family photo shoots. “Tabath…
Bob Rae strums on Banjo down by old fishin’ hole.
ARNPRIOR, ON – Former leader of the Federal Liberal Party Bob Rae sat down by Gomper’s pond and strummed on his old banjo, sources reported late Monday afternoon. Ontario’s twen…
Genghis Khan polling strongly in Toronto mayoral election
TORONTO – Following yesterday’s debate, polls are showing that Genghis Khan, outsider candidate and butcher of an estimated 80 million human beings, is leading the race to become Toronto’s …
Boy detective discovers Grandpa is having weird sex
HAMILTON, ON – Through the application of deductive methods and gumption, local boy detective Ronald “Reference” Wilson, 11, has made the discovery that his grandfather is havin…
What this funeral needs is more hops
BY DOUG FALWELL, OWNER & PROPRIETOR, BaTshIt INsaNE BReWerY Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Daniel Burling: son, brother, father, friend. Obviously this …
Hero dog passes climate change regulation
OTTAWA – Breaking through the barriers of political deadlock, entrenched opposition, and conflicting regional interests, a heroic German Shepherd has successfully passed a suite of legislat…
Cannibal angry about lack of humanitarian options on menu
OTTAWA – After being refused human meat at a local restaurant, neighbourhood cannibal Frank Willis is charging that nearby eateries are discriminating against a lifestyle choice that emphas…
If the paper boy didn’t like his bonus, he can say it to my fucking face
By Rick Powell I’ve lived on Albion Crescent for twelve years now. There are enough things to like about the neighbourhood: reasonable property taxes, plenty of green space, proximity to go…
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, claims local man who looks like shit
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Staving off sleep with endless cigarettes, energy drinks and cups of coffee, local man Jonathan Cross claims that he does not need to rest yet, despite the fact that he lo…
Man realizes barrel of monkeys more fun when monkeys not suffocated to death
ST. JOHN’S – To his chagrin, local simian enthusiast Roland Barnes has come to understand that a barrel filled with monkeys is much more fun when the monkeys haven’t died from an acut…
