TORONTO – Following yesterday’s debate, polls are showing that Genghis Khan, outsider candidate and butcher of an estimated 80 million human beings, is leading the race to become Toronto’s next mayor.
“I am the only candidate who will lead this city, not to the left, not to the right, but to the plunder of all Asia,” said the Great Khan, to roaring applause.
Although the public initially disliked Khan for choking the city’s highways with human grease, he began to be viewed as “the best of a bad bunch” when it became apparent that he was the only candidate with a feasible plan to finance the construction of new subways.
“We will take the gold of Khwarazm, and trample the children of Khwarazm beneath the hooves of our horses,” said Khan’s campaign advisor, Jebe the Arrow. “We will build the downtown relief line from the skulls of a thousand cities.”
Controversy struck the debate at the 30-minute mark, when Khan, losing patience with Mayor Ford’s repeated false claim to have saved the City “a billion dollars”, told the Mayor, “here is your one billion dollars”, and poured a vat of molten silver down his throat.
While some have praised Khan for staying on message about bringing peace through desolation, others have criticized Khan for “soundbite politics”.
“There he goes again, talking about how the Gardiner will be fixed by slaves and concubines,” said Olivia Chow, trying desperately to pull an arrow out of her sternum. “That’s his answer to everyth . . .”
Experts say the key to Khan’s success has been the ability to bridge the gap between urban and suburban voters. Khan has appealed to downtown progressives by promising not to cut much needed social services, but has also managed to court popularity in Etobicoke and Mississauga by promising to “make a mountain of bones from the arrogant citizens of Zhongdu.”
At press time, a group of concerned citizens had started a campaign to “Draft Attila the Hun.”
