Toronto is falling apart. All around us are violent criminals, people struggling with addiction who are also probably violent, and the worst of all – bike lanes. This once-great city is being driven into a ditch by misguided policy and citizens who delusionally expect City Hall to deliver any services whatsoever. I’d like to propose a more radical, effective, and permanent solution.
I’m Brad Bradford, and I’m running to become mayor of this struggling city so that I can put it out of its misery once and for all.
It’s a fact that Toronto’s quality of living is declining. Traffic is terrible, cost of living is worse, and our raccoons are becoming dangerously organized. Now, some might say this is the result of generations of unfair taxation that extracts revenue from Toronto while hobbling services, combined with a series of conservative premiers eager to meddle in the city’s affairs. To them I respond “Who cares!? Let’s finally burn this mother down and never look back!”
I’ve built my entire campaign around pointing out how this city is crumbling. Going down the tubes. An utter craphole that I wouldn’t spit on. I say this so much that people have asked me “Dude, do you even like Toronto?” to which I ask them what that has ever had to do with being mayor of Toronto.
My critics accuse me of “not having a clear reason to become mayor beyond ambition” and “weirding people out”, and that first one couldn’t be further from the truth. My objective as mayor is to finally burn this city to the ground, eradicating it forever from the landscape of Ontario and never again forcing this province to endure an urban centre with an arts scene and buildings more than 4 storeys tall.
For months now I’ve been out door knocking and people often ask me, after they’re done screaming in shock, why exactly I want to demolish the largest city in Canada. To them I say “How dare you question me!!” and then explain that the answer lies in their question. Toronto is a CITY. A really BIG city. And big cities are full of all kinds of unsightly non-suburban eyesores, like parks, apartment buildings, street festivals, rep cinemas, nightclub districts, non-chain stores, bike lanes, and restaurants more ethnic than Boston Pizza.
That brings me to my opponent, who speaks funny and isn’t backed by any backroom conservative business networks whatsoever. She claims that Toronto’s problems can be fixed. She says they’re a result of decades of underfunding by a series of Conservative mayors and Premiers, and I’m here to say… can confirm!
As a co-chair of Mayor John Tory’s budget committee, I was instrumental in making sure Toronto could never afford to deliver even baseline services, like summer camps, or walls. We performed a line-by-line review to keep property taxes artificially low and then passed the savings onto you — or at least past you, onto a handful of politically-connected contractors who extract profit by delivering substandard service.
Which reminds me, drink all the water you can now, because my plan to privatize that utility means Toronto’s drinking water will begin at an ad-supported tier and get far more expensive from there.
Some will say that my plan to annihilate Toronto is unworkable, but if you want to hear about “unworkable”, ask my former constituents! I’ve been “un-working” as councillor for Ward 19, Beaches–East York, since 2018, showing up to relentlessly glad-hand at every single public event while never once attending to my actual duties on City Council. Heck, I even un-did some of the things I’d previously voted for, like the Bloor bike lanes, and I promise to take that same lack of concern for civic duties or basic policy consistency, and infuse it into my mission to drive the final nail into the coffin of Toronto.
As mayor of Toronto I plan to follow in the great Conservative tradition of sabotaging this city’s ability to govern itself, bringing it to heel, and reducing it to a series of clogged highways to drive through on your way from Oshawa to Oakville. I also just plan to take that tradition one step further, and do what Mike Harris, John Tory, and the Ford brothers only dreamed of: obliterating Old Toronto and salting the earth.
Vote Brad Bradford to be the next, and God-willing final, mayor of Toronto.
