TORONTO – Following the news that a top Campbell’s executive was fired after being caught on microphone calling the company’s soups “shit for poor people”, Tim Hortons have released a statement reminding the Canadian public that they too offer a wide variety of bad soup for poor slobs.
“We were horrified by the comments made by former Campbell’s IT executive Martin Bally,” said Axel Schwan, President of Canadian and U.S. operations for Tim Hortons. “Mr. Bally seems to be suggesting that Campbell’s soups are the go-to option for broke schlubs looking for cheap slop to feed their families. We find these comments offensive: we want consumers to know that they don’t have to rely on Campbell’s, as we also offer a wide variety of mechanically-separated proletariat gruel for customers to spoon into the open mouths of their indigent and unwashed families.”
“Furthermore, unlike Campbell’s, our products can be purchased congealed in a can or sort-of warm from one of our locations, allowing our slovenly plebeian customers to decide how much open hostility they would like to face as they attempt to purchase some of our delicious food-slurry.”
Customers say they are not offended by statements suggesting that they are being fed cheap, nutritionless sludge that wealthy soup executives would never deign to eat.
“I honestly don’t eat Campbell’s or Tim Hortons soups anymore, not since they discontinued the chili,” said 42-year-old Alexis Ward, a mother of two from Winnipeg. “My kids only eat that powdered Liptons shit that comes in a little packet. They like that it tastes like a highlighter dipped in hot water and you can tell that absolutely no aspect of the natural world was involved in its creation.”
When reached for comment, Campbell’s emphasized that the meat in their soups is not “3D printed”, as their former executive claimed, because the process of creating such artificial meat would actually be prohibitively expensive, as opposed to the fractions of pennies the soup conglomerate currently allocates to its Meat Byproduct Budget.
Campbell’s did however emphasize that they would rather die than allow more than two chunks of meat to be added to a can of Campbell’s® Chunky® Soup.
