HALIFAX – U.S. lawmakers attending the Halifax International Security Forum reveal that confusion around a leaked peace plan for Ukraine were caused by Secretary of State Marco Rubio spending a long night partying at the The Dome.
“At first Secretary Rubio insisted that this peace plane did represent the Trump administration’s position,” recalls U.S Senator Mike Rounds (R-S.D.), “but then he called us at 1am insisting it did not, but we could barely hear him over the thumping bass music in the background.”
The U.S. delegation had not even realized that Sec. Rubio had travelled from Washington to Halifax, only realizing the high ranking Trump official was in town after several late night texts asking “is Pizza Corner close to the Dome??”
Speaking directly to journalists directly from the dance floor of the famed multi-level club complex, Secretary of State Marco Rubio detailed the confusion over the so-called “Ukraine Peace Plan”.
“See, at first Mr. Trump told me to tell everyone that the plan was ours, because it basically told Ukraine to give up all their territory and not join NATO and get nothing in return,” Rubio shouted, taking a swig of his pint of Keith’s. “But then everyone was like ‘hang on. this plan is bad and some of it is still written in Russian’, so then Trump was all ‘What are you doing Little Marco, tell people we didn’t write that plan, idiot!’, and so I flew up here to sort it all out.”
Sec. Rubio then wiped away a tear, shouted “SOCIABLE” to the crowd, and returned to the dance floor for the entirety of ‘Shake It Off’.
Asked why he flew all the way up to Halifax to correct the International Security Forum delegates, Rubio explained. “Oh, I could’ve just called them, but after 9 months of working for Mr. Trump and selling out every principle I ever pretended to have, sometimes I just need to get fully obliterated until past closing time. Turns out the Dome is perfect for that.”
“But don’t worry about negotiations over Ukraine,” Rubio shouted, downing a pair of shots, “I’ve met some real cool dudes from SMU poli sci, and they’re explaining to me what a ‘useful idiot’ is, so I’m sure I’ll be able to stand up to Putin next time.”
Rubio then concluded the interview by yelling “Fuck it, LET’S GET DONAIRS!” to the crowd of intoxicated undergrad students.
