Canadians are a friendly bunch, famous for our warmth and approachability. Despite this reputation, many of us find interactions with strangers painfully awkward. Among the worst kind is when our thoughtless, selfish kids make friends at the playground, putting us at risk of eye contact or small talk with other children’s parents. But don’t despair, these five tips, The 5 Ps,will help you avoid this excruciating social torture.
#1 Phone
You’re probably doing this one already: talking to an imaginary person on your phone so you don’t have to talk to Aiden and Brayden’s very real parents. Remember, less is more. Muttering “Uh huh” or “Yeah” every 40 seconds sounds more like a real phone call than the wordiest Aaron Sorkin monologue ever will. And should a playground parent try to get you gabbing, all it takes is a quick point to your phone and a mouthed “Sorry!” to get you off the hook.
#2 Photos
Worried that Hayden and Jayden’s dad is about to run through the standard list of half-hearted questions? (How old are yours? When’s their birthday? Did you notice mine are smarter?) The solution is to focus… literally. Fire up your camera app and turn this play session into a Pulitzer-worthy photo essay. No stroller jockey is going to bother you when you’re busy capturing a gorgeous silhouette shot of your little one picking her nose in the sandbox.
#3 Phys. Ed.
Faced with persistent prattlers, you may need to grab the monkey by the bars, and blast out a set of chin-ups. After all, what is a playground but a big, outdoor, barely adequate gym? So use it! Regardless of what you’re wearing or your actual fitness level, the sight of a grown adult doing calisthenics on a kid-sized curly slide will guarantee your solitude. If anyone still talks to you, just pretend you didn’t hear her. You’re in the zone!
#4 Preach
If tips 1 through 3 don’t work, only God can help you. Or more accurately, acting like a person who’s really, really into God is a reliable way to repel people. It’s remarkable how quickly a playground parent’s interest in chatting evaporates when you pull a well-thumbed bible out of your Jansport. We recommend carrying a variety of polarizing books at all times, and pulling out whichever one would be the least welcome in that situation. A good starter set could include The Bible, The Quran, Dianetics, Atlas Shrugged, and The Oh She Glows Cookbook.
#5 Parenting
When all other strategies fail, you may need the nuclear option: actually parenting your child. Yes, you could tune out everyone else in the playground by playing with your kid—as a last resort, of course. You may be thinking, “What if my child expects that level of engagement all the time?” Well, think of the alternative: exchanging contact information along with the lie that you’ll totally set up a play date with Jenson and Benson soon. If you’re still hesitant, consider that this play time could become a cherished memory that will keep your spirits up when your little angel becomes a moody teen asking ChatGPT-10 for “5 tips to avoid talking to your boring parents.”
