BURBANK, CA – The Walt Disney Company has announced late night host Jimmy Kimmel will return to ABC, a move cheered by free speech advocates and even more so by exhausted parents who cancelled their Disney+ subscriptions to make a point and then immediately regretted it.
Following the ABC late night host’s controversial suspension – a move apparently instigated by Trump Administration FCC Chair Brendan Carr – many Disney+ customers cancelled their accounts in protest, including many parents who forgot just how many hours there are in a weekend without repeat viewings of Moana 2 to get just a moment’s peace.
“It was obviously wrong of ABC and Disney to cave to threats from Trump, so I cancelled my account to send a message,” explains Michelle Bernstain of Mississauga, ON. “But then our 3 and 4 year olds reminded us that Disney+ has all the seasons of Spidey And His Amazing Friends, which is the only goddamed thing they’ll sit and watch, and I was like ‘maybe a little authoritarian state coercion isn’t so bad…’.”
Across America and the rest of the world, Disney’s reversal is being lauded by dead-eyed parents who thought they could distract their children from the lack of Disney+ streaming content with homemade crafts or, in some purely delusional cases, books.
“Oh thank Christ it’s back,” gasped Gerry Coombs, of Victoria, BC. “When you’ve got three under-10-year-olds, all girls, screaming that they want to rewatch Disney’s Zombies 4: Dawn of the Vampires, YOU try explaining to them that we’re voting with our dollars to make a point about free speech to Disney’s corporate shareholders.”
“I definitely lost them somewhere around the Nexstar/Tegna merger,” added Coombs as he frantically re-subscribed to the family-focused streaming service.
While most parents have equally cheered the return of their children’s TV favourites, plus a minor victory for free speech, others have different reasons. “This weekend the kids didn’t actually want to watch any Disney+ because I was shuttling them to 15 different fucking events,” explains Anita Kapoor of Halifax, NS. “But the only way I can come down from having to attend 5 consecutive kids birthday parties, each with a worse magician, is to watch some of the grossest shit imaginable on Alien: Earth. Thanks to my stupid ‘principles’, I couldn’t even do that!”
With the Trump administration signalling an intent to target other late night comedians and talk shows, many parents are bracing for the impact.
“Could he maybe go after Colbert again? Our Paramount+ free trail ended this summer,” notes Coombs.
“Are there any outspoken truth-telling late night comedians on The Criterion Channel? We don’t have that one,” adds Kapoor.
At press time every progressive parent across the nation is attempting to dig out their dusty old DVD player in case this happens again.
