EVIL LAIR, SOUTH PACIFIC – OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has suggested that intelligence could someday be treated as a utility, with people paying him directly to access materials stolen from them en masse, all from a subterranean lair shaped like a skull.
“At OpenAI, we believe that intelligence is the commodity of the future,” intoned Altman from atop a fearsome throne fashioned from the bones of vanquished Silicon Valley rivals. “Our revolutionary company has disrupted the status quo to chart a bold vision forward,” he added, referring to a process that scraped the entire internet for written materials and users’ data, before ransoming it back to them regardless of consent.
“The race to create Artificial Generalized Intelligence, or AGI, is the great challenge of our time, which is why OpenAI must help America to prevail,” Altman added, idly stroking a large sinister lizard which may have been a small dragon.
Asked about the morality of his vision for a future where intelligence itself is monopolized and commodified by trillion dollar corporations, with zero public input, Altman replied “Seize him!”
Once the offending reporter had been swiftly disappeared, Altman elaborated. “Remember, our company was founded on the principle that artificial intelligence needs to be serve the public good openly, which is why we named it ‘OpenAI’.” Asked to clarify how that squares with the company becoming a for-profit entity, Altman nonchalantly opened a trap door beneath the reporter leading 100 feet down directly into a flowing river of lava.
To further illustrate OpenAI’s corporate designs, Altman pressed a button to open up the floor, revealing a large holographic display powered by AI data centers using resources from millions of acres of farmland, as well as children’s day cares. “We’re simply offering a roadmap for the future of human achievement,” Altman attested, pointing to a hologram depicting a human being incapable of high level cognition, forced to pay an AI chatbot to remind him how to tie his own shoes.
In closing, Altman rose from his throne, somehow now wearing a large cape and carrying an imposing sceptre. “I’m just a humble CEO who wants what’s best for humanity”, he added, showing absolutely no signs of life behind his cold blue eyes.
“Now if you’ll kindly allow my associates to attach these electrodes to your skulls, we can commence extracting your cognitive ability so that I can rent it back to you. You’re welcome!”
