VANCOUVER – Students attending the Unholiday Dance at Our Lady of Infernal Evil’s Satanist School have just been reminded by a volunteer chaperone to “Leave space for Lucifer” while slow dancing.
“Hey! Alister and Lily! Break it up!” shouted history teacher Delilah Becket at two offending teens. “Either make some room for the Lord of Darkness to make a teen sandwich or start grinding on each other already!”
Beforehand, staff at Our Lady of Infernal Evil made sure to take all the precautions to ensure the event incurs no more horniness than any other dance sanctioned by the Satanic school board. This includes making sure the punch bowl is spiked with good liquor, the playlist for the event is loaded with only songs that reference anal sex, and the teachers had plenty of condoms to give out in class before.
When questioned, Becket confirmed she is not mad at the students for giving in to their natural urges, but just misses the days when young devil-worshippers would express their attraction for each other in a way that was more in line with the anti-Church’s teachings.
“When I was their age, we didn’t act with such impropriety. We knew Satan didn’t want us to copulate at school, unless it was during the annual spring Blood-Orgy.”
“Then again, I was raised Catholic, so I really shouldn’t judge.”
At press time, Alister and Lily had started it up again and were kicked out of the auditorium and sent to one of the school’s many fornication rooms.
