OTTAWA – With millions returning to work after the holidays, Kentucky bourbon is out and Canadian spirits are in as the choice for Canada’s alcoholics who cannot help but drink on the job.
Since U.S. President Donald Trump launched his tariff war in 2025, openly musing about making Canada “the 51st state”, Canada’s problem drinkers have boycotted American based spirits like bourbon and begun sneaking drinks of Canadian whisky whenever their manager isn’t looking.
“I used to love the spicy vanilla flavours of Maker’s Mark straight from the bottle that I kept stashed under my desk,” explained financial analyst Evelyn Williams, of Ottawa. “Now, when I’m slurring my words on a voice mail or belligerent to a colleague, they know it’s being fuelled by good old patriotic Crown Royal.”
Reginald Yu, an electrician’s apprentice in Canmore, AB, insists that he has grown to prefer keeping his work flask filled with Canadian Club over his usual Jim Beam. “Whenever I’m numbing the drudgery of a 12 hour day, it’s nice to know that I’m sticking it to the administration down south.”
“Plus, one of the other guys on my crew used to be really into California rieslings,” added Yu, “So now we’ll do tastings of Ontario vintages that he keeps in his thermos before we go back to building this public school.”
At the headquarters of Nova Scotia’s Liquor Corporation, Sr. Purchasing Director Gerry MacLean toasted the US boycott with his 4th nip of locally-distilled Fortress Amber Rum. “Y’see the thing is, the thing is…” MacLean explained, spilling the coffee his rum had been added to. “Trump is just a fucking goof, and I don’t have a problem. I could stop whenever I want. What are you looking at? Y’think yer better’n me? Huh??”
At press time MacLean was tearfully calling an ex-girlfriend to explain how “Buy Canadian” sentiment is spurring the local craft beer market.
