EDMONTON – With Ottawa agreeing to fast track construction of a pipeline from Alberta’s oil sands to the Pacific coast, the Alberta legislature announced that Ontario-based transportation company Metrolinx won their bid to build their first ever oil-based transit line.
Metrolinx chair Nick Simone spoke to reporters following the announcement, saying how excited he was to get any work, seeing that recent construction projects in Ontario had missed deadlines, gone billions of dollars over budget, and delivered disappointing results to commuters.
“Our mission has always been to move people,” Simone told reporters. “And yes, we’re not always meeting people’s expectations, but we’ll learn from the past and construct a new transit line for oil that’ll be safe and done right… we pinky promise.”
The agreement between Premier Danielle Smith’s government and Metrolinx comes after no other company in Canada expressed interest in building another pipeline, let alone one that had to capture carbon emissions or “be done while actually consulting Indigenous people.”
Asked if the stipulations set forth by Ottawa would hinder their plans to build such a pipeline, Simone said “Our projects in the past have missed deadlines due to us hiring subcontractors who have done some pretty sus work. And while we promise to hire the right people to get this pipeline made, we’ll also be sure to use these draconian measures as excuses down the road for any hiccups we’ll surely face.”
Early drafts show the pipeline starting in Alberta’s oil sands and ending at the Pacific coast, while making a random stop at Dundas Square and Toronto City Hall.
Simone also said how Metrolinx would oversee future maintenance and upkeep on the pipeline, and how “whenever we have to shut down the pipeline to do regularly scheduled maintenance, we’ll have shuttle buses run to ensure we’re still moving oil.”
And while critics were worried that this pipeline would never open, some including BC Premier David Eby don’t see the issue with this.
“The deal between Ottawa and Alberta was concerning for many British Columbians,” Eby told reporters. “But when I learned Metrolinx will be in charge of the new pipeline, I was delighted by this news because this will, in all likelihood, never see completion, at least in my lifetime.”
This sense of delight was also shared by Greenpeace, who, after hearing the news, cancelled all pipeline protests due to “nobody seeing the point in protesting something that’ll never actually happen.”
At press time, Simone told reporters that they will begin construction just as soon as they open the Eglinton Crosstown LRT in 2045.
