KINGSTON, ON – Seconds after Hockey Canada announced its men’s Olympic roster, fans nationwide expressed outrage at the players they assumed were chosen.
“From the moment I read ‘Canada announces’ I knew this team would have an absolutely abysmal power play that flounders in clutch moments,” said diehard fan Mark Chambers, 29, not looking at his phone. “Okay, now to find out who’s on it.”
Other fans lamented the presumed choice of goaltenders (who are all obvious sieves who crack under pressure), the presumed choice of defencemen (who are all either excessively gritty or lack grit entirely), and the presumed choice of massage therapists who EVERY real fan knows can’t work out the serious knots.
“Stacey Mondale leads the league in limbs per intermission, but I bet they went with, ugh Greg Schmitz,” commented @LeafsAllTheWay on Instagram before ever reading the post. “They’re like dinosaurs. Why don’t they just forfeit now and get it over with?”
Another fan, Andy Pakmen of Victoria, BC, worried that Canada would largely run back the team that won the Four Nations, but didn’t win it emphatically enough for their liking.
“It’s ridiculous that they left Connor Bedard off even though he still has weeks to recover from his injury, or, alternatively, that they took Bedard despite his serious injury,” said Pakmen without stopping to breathe. “And I bet there’s no way they selected the obscure fourth-line Blue Jacket who leads the league in an analytic of my own invention. It’s like, how badly can they overthink this?”
While analysts are largely optimistic about Canada’s chances of winning gold, fans are already planning to watch the team lose 7-0 to Switzerland this February.
“I can’t believe they didn’t select Auston Matthews just because he’s American,” commented a Reddit user named Jordan_Blumpkinton. “There’s no way this team finishes better than sixth. And that’s if we’re lucky.”
At press time, hockey fans across the country were screaming in even louder outrage after reading the first name on the roster.
