LONDON, ON – Self-professed “god-fearing Christian” and registered Conservative voter Graham Cortland has recently expressed an openness to being afraid of numerous other aspects of everyday life.
“I was raised in the Protestant faith to have a healthy fear of the Lord our God,” explains Cortland, 52, “and that dogmatic terror of eternal damnation has allowed me to seamlessly incorporate being afraid of atheists, homosexuals, birth control, and in some cases Catholics.”
Now, Cortland explains that recent media trends have led him to expand his list of fears. “I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, namely Rebel Media, old episodes of Charlie Kirk, and whatever podcasts have Pierre Poilievre shooting his mouth off. I’ve realized there are so many more things I could’ve been afraid of this entire time!”
Cortland explains that he will soon try being afraid of cities, minorities, progressives, universities, and the entire municipality of Portland, Oregon.
“I’ve been afraid of God my whole life, but he also created a big wide world full of things to be irrationally fearful of.”
Cortland’s family are supportive of his recent attempts to find new moral panics by which to be consumed.
“Fear of the Heavenly Father’s eternal judgement is what brought us together, way back when Graham was my youth pastor,” explains Ellen Cortland, 41. “Recently, we’ve been spicing up our marriage, and experimenting with being scared of transgendered ideology.”
“Shared moral panic over people we’ve never actually encountered has really brought us closer as a couple,” adds Ellen.
“Dad and I used to enjoy watching baseball together,” notes eldest son Brad Cortland, 23. “But ever since the Jays started wearing those Pride jerseys once a season, we’ve been having way more fun working each other up into a frothing outraged hysteria.”
With Cortland expanding his range of fears to soon include homelessness, public transit, gender neutral bathrooms, bike lanes, Indian food, and the musical Wicked, he has mused about keeping space for his original terror of the God he was raised to obey.
“If the Divine Creator didn’t want me to be afraid of nearly everything that he has created, specifically things found in downtown Toronto, then I imagine he would appear before me and tell me to stop,” Cortland muses.
“He hasn’t done that, so I assume he wants me to get to fearing!”
