WASHINGTON, DC – Following a wave of conservative backlash to the recent cinematic reboot of Superman, U.S. president Donald Trump has announced that all imports from Krypton will be subject to a 35% tariff.
The sweeping tariff was announced at 12:30am via Trump’s Truth Social platform.
“These Kryptonians have been taking us for a ride for years now. We’ve been treated very unfairly by them,” said Trump, switching his usual MAGA hat for a ‘Lex Luthor was right’ cap. “From now on, if you want to make a super-powered mech-suit in this country, it will be with 100% American kryptonite.”
Trump also accused Superman of “being very not nice to our cherished American values”, including: selfishness, corruption, demonizing investigative journalists, sociopathic billionaires, disappearing dissidents to nightmarish black site concentration camps, and people who hate adorable dogs.
“The planet Krypton, they’re sending their immigrants here, many illegally in rocket ships which land in Kansas, a state I won, by the way,” Trump added, as journalists began to drift out of the room. “And they grow up to be very woke, very very woke, doing woke things like saving innocent people. It’s very sad.”
Economists have described the president’s tariff aggression as “discriminatory”, “ridiculous”, and “it’s a fictional planet!” However, the move has polled remarkably high among Trump supporters.
Merle Pickkins of Arlington, Texas, notes, “‘Bout time someone stuck it to those Krypto-bastards, coming here and building secret bases in the Arctic!”
Jace Verdon of Cheyenne, Wyoming adds, “Y’all know Krypton never really exploded right? That’s just a liberal hoax so they can come here and make us all wear our red underwear on the outside of our pants! I heard it on Rogan!”
Observers note this isn’t the first time the fictional planet of Krypton has entered Trump’s dialogue. During his first term, Trump unsuccessfully failed to pass an immigration ban for Kryptonian migrants, referred to General Zod as a “very nice person”, and referred to Kazakhstan president Nursultan Nazarbayev as “my good friend from Krypton” on multiple occasions.
Reached for comment, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney remarked, “Whatever gets him to ignore Canada for another week, that’s fine by me. I hope he goes after Wakanda next.”
Trump’s Krypton tariffs are scheduled to begin on July 16th, then July 30th, then get pushed back on August 9th, then double on November 25th, and then onward until dementia causes him to forget the whole thing.
