MENLO PARK, CA – In a recent statement to shareholders, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg explained that the average American only had three in-person friendships, and that Facebook plans to reduce that number as soon as possible.
“Most Americans can only count on three other real life people as true friends, which seems high to me,” Zuckerberg told the crowd while making a visible attempt to smile normally.
“At Facebook we’re hoping to reduce that number to two, or possibly even one, human friend,” Zuckerberg added. “These will be replaced by AI chatbots, parasocial influencer relationships, and meaningless social media ‘friendships’ with everyone you met that one night at a house party in 2013.”
The tech mogul further outlined Facebook’s ongoing mission to eliminate and replace all human social interaction, since its humble beginnings as a site meant to rate the hotness of undergrad girls built in a dorm room by proto-incels in 2002.
“Psychologists estimate that human beings are happiest when they have a group of 7 close friendships, with an upper limit of 150 relational connections in one’s broader community,” Zuckerberg explained without blinking. “But as we all know, those numbers would be terrible for our ability to use sophisticated social engineering algorithms to monetize our platform, and we can’t allow that.”
The presentation then shifted to a list of Facebook’s previous successes. “If our platform can help engineer a genocide in Myanmar, get Donald Trump elected, and serve beauty ads to insecure teenage girls moments after they’ve deleted a selfie, then it’ll be no problem to eliminate the human need for companionship.”
Zuckerberg then paused for 3 uninterrupted minutes to show the crowd his large gold chain with the letters “BRO” on the front, before returning to his presentation.
“Why would any person want to have friendships with other human beings who challenge and surprise them,” asked a noticeably-queasy Zuckerberg, “when instead you could maintain 5 to 10 friendships with AI profiles who reliably agree with everything you say, while also encouraging you to invest in Meta’s new cryptocurrency.”
The presentation then outlined Facebook’s new “Digital Accomplice” feature, where users can generate a bespoke LLM chatbot that definitionally cannot be built with inherent morality, to help them plan crimes in a way that will be jurisdictionally impossible to prosecute.
“My Digital Accomplice helped me come up with some fantastic tax avoidance schemes, right after it told me that I’m the best looking guy in America,” explained Zuckerberg, just before an aide reminded him again to smile.
At press time Facebook has announced that having real life friends outside of the platform will now be a paid feature.
