QUEEN’S PARK – After the Ontario Appeal Court ruled today that Bill 124, Doug Ford’s law imposing wage caps on public sector workers, was unconstitutional, Ford vowed that he would get revenge on teachers and nurses regardless using new, constitutional methods of political warfare.
“Listen, folks, this ruling is only a setback in my grand scheme to make every single teacher and nurse in this province wish they’d never decided to join a union, help the public, or be born at all,” the premier announced at Queen’s Park following the ruling. “If I have to be ‘constitutional’ to get that done, then so be it.”
Ford paused, seemingly confused. “Hey folks, does…does anyone know what ‘constitutional’ actually means? To be honest I’m really not used to doing things legally in this here province. First one to define it for me gets a Timmy’s gift card.”
Public sector workers from across the province expressed doubt that Ford would be able to come up with a law that didn’t trample all over their union collective bargaining rights, or that he would want to at all.
“Five minutes ago I got an email from the Ford government asking me if I wanted to save the Ontario Science Centre,” explained Ottawa-based primary teacher Felicia Munster. “But when I clicked ‘Yes’ on the poll it just launched a popup saying that I had just agreed to give Doug half of every future paycheck I earn. He’s just so bad at this.”
At Queen’s Park, staffers were hurrying to come up with constitutional ways to make sure that every single nurse in the province would quit to work in private clinics by the end of the fiscal year.
“So far, Mr. Ford has approved of Bill 124.1, the “Build Highways Overtop Hospitals Act,” Bill 124.2, the “Blow the Budget on Wetland Development to Justify Wage Caps Act,” and Bill 124.3, the “Rename ‘Unions’ to ‘Losers Clubs’ to Discourage Membership Act,” one staffer said in between calls to multiple lawyers.
“As I’m sure you know, Mr. Ford hates nurses because last year one forgot to give him a lollipop, and he hates teachers because ‘learning is for chumps,’ so he’s having a hard time right now.”
At press time, Doug had just announced that he was out of options and would be undertaking a secret mission to steal the United States’ Constitution.