CALGARY – As an increasing number of Calgarians struggle to find affordable housing, the City of Calgary has teamed up with the province of Alberta to spend $867 million to build one very special new home for the city’s most downtrodden professional hockey team.
“In a prosperous modern city like Calgary, everyone deserves a safe, secure home. And by everyone, we mean the sports teams,” Calgary’s city council said in a press release to announce the new arena deal. “That’s why the city will be spending $537.5 million of public funds for a new home for the Calgary Flames.”
In addition to the $537.5 million from the city, the new arena development will also be paid for with $330 million from the province of Alberta, and $356 million from the Calgary Flames’ owner, Calgary Sports and Entertainment Corporation (CSEC). CSEC, which is owned by multiple billionaires, will be paying for its portion of the new stadium in installments over the next 35 years by sending the city whatever spare cash its owners find in their couch cushions and pants pockets.
“If we were to spend $867 million on housing for people, it wouldn’t solve the problem of homelessness in Calgary, it would merely severely ameliorate it while improving the quality of life for thousands of human beings. A new stadium, on the other hand, will completely solve the problem of the Calgary Flames playing in an old stadium,” the council press release continued.
“We don’t think it’s right to allow our brave boys in red and yellow to continue to skate in a subpar arena. And while the province and city could simply insist that the Flames’ billionaire owners fund a new arena themselves because they can afford it and will be the main beneficiaries of it, we believe $867 million in public funds is a small price to pay to ensure that this team of millionaires owned by billionaires are able to thrive for decades to come.”
At press time, most politicians in Alberta were falling over themselves to agree with the arena deal because hockey good.