OTTAWA – The federal government has announced a new 6.3% tax on beer, wine, and all other alcoholic spirits that represent the last fragment of happiness in your otherwise pointless existence.
“Coping mechanisms are lucrative – especially now,” says Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “With rising homelessness, inflation, and failing healthcare, you gotta strike while the iron’s hot. Based on revenue projections from St John’s alone, we should be able to afford that new submarine everyone’s whining about.”
Health Canada responded to Trudeau on Twitter, praising his decision in light of recent alcohol guidelines. “Canadians shouldn’t be consuming more than two drinks per week anyway, so the price increase shouldn’t make a huge difference,” the tweet said, before users bullied the social media manager into quitting his job.
Meanwhile, polls show that most Canadians are upset about the tax.
“Since my partner left me for a polyurethane sex doll, wine is the only thing I look forward to, and I can barely afford it now,” added Arnie Wiseblott, of Edmonton. “Next you’ll tell me Nordstrom is closing its Canadian stores.”
“The tax actually begins on April Fools Day? Must be part of that Federal initiative I read about, to irreparably break Canadians’ already-fragile psychologically states,” noted Tracy MacDougall of Swift Current.
“This tax increase is just another shameful attempt by Trudeau’s Liberals to pay for ‘stuff’ and ‘things’. That won’t happen on my watch,” responded Pierre Poilievre.
Liberals insist they’re not done with raising taxes on joy. Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland is exploring methods for taxing orgasms. “People say our government is fucking them? Well, we say: great idea!”
While British Columbians are relieved that cannabis taxes remain the same, the entire province of Quebec has asked for privacy while they stock up on Chimay and ice cider.