EDMONTON – After Alberta’s Premier-designate, Danielle Smith, called unvaccinated people “the most discriminated group that I’ve ever witnessed,” members of her United Conservative Party were quick to remind voters that this gaffe can be easily explained by remembering she was educated by the public education system they and their forefathers ruined.
“The premier was born the year we took power, 1971, and she really is our ideal Albertan. What she lacks in basic historical knowledge she makes up for in our core values: being incredibly whiny, refusing to think of others, and blaming our problems on the rest of Canada,” said UCP member Keith Breckenridge.
Education experts have already said that only someone who received an Alberta education could possibly think that people choosing not to get a life-saving vaccine during a global pandemic has faced more prejudice than gay, Black or Indigenous Peoples amongst countless other groups protected by Alberta’s Human Rights Act.
A UCP spokesperson said, “We educated her, and this is exactly what we wanted. If you spend fifty years cutting public education, and replacing units on civil rights with units on how cool the 1988 Olympics were, you’re going to end up with a very specific kind of dummy. What we wanted was people who are good at arguing, but bad at knowing things.”
UCP member Helen Gorge, who was also Ms Smith’s Grade 11 History Teacher at John Diefenbaker High School, recalls a key moment in her education, “Danielle turned in an essay on Louis Riel that was actually just a newspaper ad for the oil industry. So I gave her a 0 until she complained to the principal, the school board, and then had The Fraser Institute buy a full-page spread calling me a communist, so I bumped her up to a C-, and she was voted valedictorian. At some point, you need to understand who you work for, and I work for whoever complains the loudest. It’s the Alberta we designed!”
When asked to rank what she felt were the most discriminated against groups, Miss Smith issued the following Top Five: Unvaccinated People, Pretty Girls, Men Who Spread their Legs When They Sit on the Bus, Women Named Danielle, and People Who Are Told Their Starbucks Orders are Too Complicated and To Please Stop Shouting.