By Justin Trudeau
As you know The Conservative Party of Canada has selected Pierre Poilievre as their new Party Leader. Unfortunately I have to warn you that Mr. Poilievre is a dangerous right-wing ideologue who is far too extreme to govern our country. And while I said that exact same thing about Erin O’Toole, Andrew Scheer and Stephen Harper, this time I’m super serious.
Mr. Poilievre has no regard for our values of multiculturalism, of pluralism and respect. He caters only to the fringe elements in his own party and associates with the very worst of the worst. Also the milk thing is a bit weird. Wait sorry, scratch that. That was leftover from when I copy and pasted this paragraph from a previous speech I gave about Andrew Scheer.
His statements about the trucker convoy alone should disqualify him. The fact that he stood shoulder to shoulder with people who waived the swastika and terrorized local communities should guarantee that no Canadian votes for Mr. Harper. I mean Mr. O’Toole. Fuck!
Ok, so maybe we’ve run the ‘dangerous ideologue’ playbook before. And at the time that seemed fair. But now Scheer and O’Toole seem kinda cute in comparison to Poilievre. I mean, sure Erin O’Toole kinda came off like a guy who gets in fist fights in Tim Horton’s parking lots, but he wasn’t going to try to unilaterally fire the Governor of the Bank of Canada! He was even going to basically keep my carbon tax.
It seems we were a bit quick to judgment before. I admit it now. But this time you have to trust us. We’re like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. And if memory serves when the wolf actually arrived all the villagers helped the Boy save the sheep right? That’s how I taught it to my students anyway.
So when you start seeing ads talking about Pierre Poilievre being a conservative zealot who will govern like Donald Trump, take them seriously. And don’t worry about the fact that they are clearly the same ads we’ve run about O’Toole and Scheer only with Poilievre’s face awkwardly photoshopped in. That was just a budget thing.
Also if we win one more election I promise to come up with a new line of attack for the next Conservative Leader. After all, no way they nominate an even further right-wing guy to replace this one right?