“It’s a matter of having our officers adequately equipped to patrol this difficult terrain,” said a Toronto police spokesperson. “This means having the appropriate footwear. Our officers will now be as prepared as they’ll ever be to perform the heroic task of clamping down on playing music and having a great time in the sun.”
Showcased in a presentation to the media, the new police flip flops are equipped with state of the art military grade features including a bull bar, a siren, a bulletproof sole and strap, and a big toe-operated 9mm gun.
“All these features are necessary for our officers to do their jobs properly,” said Mark Dean, head of Toronto police equipment. “The bull bar allows officers to kick beachgoers without hurting their feet. The gun is so the officers can feel safe around beachgoers who will immediately start drinking their beers again once police are out of sight.”
The big spending on flip flops comes not long after a scathing Toronto police report that concluded that Black, Indigenous, and other diverse groups are disproportionately affected by use of force and strip searches.
For years, the budget for Toronto Police Service has been seen as exorbitant and misused.
“We understand what the report showed,” noted the Toronto police spokesperson. “We are trying to address that now by excessively policing people with military grade gear both outside of beaches, and on beaches. These Rambo flippy-floppies are essential to this. What else would the money be spent on? Crisis workers?”
“We want to assure Torontonians that beach patrols won’t get out of hand,” said interim chief of police James Ramer. “The jurisdiction of beach patrol officers ends at the boardwalk. Officers will strictly comply with this jurisdiction, and will hand off criminal pursuits to the appropriate authorities.”
After the initial rollout of flip flops for patrol officers, 2023 will see police horses getting their own flip flop horseshoes, and the Toronto Police Service tactical unit being equipped with tactical toe shoes.
Toronto Police Service announced they also have plans for big budget spending on baton shaped pool noodles, pepper spray Super Soakers, and SpongeBob-shaped popsicles.