By Chet Pemberton
Ladies, I get it. Sometimes you get emotional. I hear it’s not easy being a woman. I haven’t seen any evidence of that, being a woman looks pretty sweet, but women are always complaining so I guess there’s gotta be something making y’all so cranky and hysterical.
But crankiness doesn’t excuse vulgarity. Some of you have taken to swearing, and it’s not only unladylike, it’s downright unattractive. Like I said, I get it. You ladies are very emotional, but that only means the onus is on you to control yourselves even more than men, who as we all know, are driven by logic, not emotion. When I, a logic-driven male, hear an overly emotional woman swear, it makes me so angry I could (and often do) punch a wall.
There is such a thing as civility. Civility is when, no matter what happens to her, a woman reacts calmly, with a nice gentle smile that shows the world that nothing is more important to her than maintaining her feminine composure. Doesn’t that sound nice, ladies? Far nicer than foul language.
Women used to be classy, like in the 1950s. Did women back then ever swear? No, never. Women used to know that their power lay in being wives and mothers and I guess the ugly ones were teachers or nuns, I’m not sure. Point is, it was a golden age when women knew their place, and in that place they didn’t feel the need to swear. And on the rare occasion when things got to be too much, they’d simply get a prescription for powerful tranquilizers. Tranquility, doesn’t that sound better than vulgarity? Ladies, you know it does.
So please, ladies, enough with the swearing. The one exception, of course, is when you’re describing one of the obscenity-ridden threats against your life. I know women like to exaggerate, so direct quotes from these threats are really the only way for me and the police to know that you’re not blowing the threat out of proportion, as women tend to do.
Or better yet, just keep these threats to yourself. Are you really so starved for attention that you’d publicize horrific threats against you? It’s a little pathetic, ladies.
Anyway, it’s time to dial down the potty mouths, ladies. If you want people to take you seriously, the profanity has to go. Leave the swearing to the men calling you a cunt while threatening to kill you.