WASHINGTON, DC- The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announced its new strategy to conserve natural spaces; distributing firearms to all native plant and animal species to allow them to protect themselves and their habitats.
“For years, we have tried to instill in Americans a sense of love and respect for nature. Clearly, that hasn’t panned out, so now we’ll try fear,” EPA administrator Michael S. Regan said in a press release. “We will be distributing guns to all American flora and fauna, with the exception of the California assault rifle tree, which is obviously more than capable of protecting itself.”
We in the GOP have been saying for ages the only thing that stops a bad environment with a gun is a good environment with a gun,” Congresswoman Lauren Boebert told the press from her office. “I hope one day to see every squirrel in this nation open carrying a handgun, just as Nixon envisioned when he founded the agency.”
Surprisingly, the usually bipartisan debate that surrounds environmental issues seems to not be a factor in this bill, which is seeing support from both sides of the hall. “Honestly, if this the compromise we make to make get a single windmill put up, it’s fair,” said Regan. “I’m especially proud of the part where we secure more powerful weapons for the more endangered species.”
“This means handguns for the pigeons, semi-automatic shotguns for the bison, and sharing the nuclear launch codes with every Florida panther still left in the wild.”
In related news, experts are lobbying for more research into an antidote for lead poisoning now that bullets are more likely to land in America’s drinking water.